We’re All Going To Die!

Ok, now that I have your attention…

Are you stressed out? God knows, I am. My eyesight is blurry, I’m having difficulty breathing, I’m feeling dizzy, and I’m starting to think I’m going to pass out.

I think it’s all the bad news I’m reading. What? You think it may be due to wearing a mask while driving alone in my car?

You say my double-masking might be making it worse, and that what I’m describing sounds a lot like the common symptoms and signs of strangulation.

Nah. It’s the news.

Double-masking while driving makes perfect sense if you think about it. You see, we are in the midst of a global superflu epidemic. The papers in Australia, Canada, the UK, and the US all say so, and if I’ve learned anything over the last decade, it’s that the media never lies or exaggerates.

I’m not here to alarm you (I’m pretty sure someone else has that job). I’m just here to provide a public service by keeping you informed and ensuring that you know how to stay safe. With that in mind, we better make sure we recognize the superflu symptoms so we can rush to the hospital as soon as we see any.

These symptoms include:

• Fever or feeling feverish/chills

• Cough

• Sore throat

• Runny or stuffy nose

• Muscle or body aches

• Headaches

• Fatigue (which can be extreme and prolonged)

• Sometimes vomiting and diarrhea (more common in children)

Terrifying, isn’t it? Sorry, what? You say it sounds exactly like the regular flu. Hmmm. Now that you mention it, it does. What makes this flu “super?” Good question. It must be more severe.

What? “Current epidemiological data from the WHO and CDC show no evidence that subclade K causes more severe illness on an individual level than other circulating flu viruses.”

Weird. If I didn’t know better, I might suspect that the press was being unnecessarily alarmist.

That can’t be the case, though, right? Surely, if the press were being alarmist, we’d notice it in other news stories. For example, they’d be replacing perfectly good terms to describe climate, health, politics, and weather events with made-up terms that unnecessarily over-exaggerate issues and “collapse uncertainty, scale, and causation into a single moral or existential frame.”

Sure, this would drive engagement and increase advertising revenue, but would the press really do something that reckless? Would the media “contribute to public anxiety,” “polarize debate, and reduce focus on practical solutions” just to make a few more dollars?

I cannot believe they would be that irresponsible. What? You want more details of what it would look like? Okay. Well, you’re putting me on the spot, but just off the top of my head, I’d replace the terms on the left with the terms on the right that are totally made-up and add zero value, but which scare the bejesus out of people.

Thank God the press is too responsible to use any of those terms.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to run. I need to start stockpiling canned goods and ammo in my bunker. It’s a perfectly rational thing to do, given what I’m reading in the news. Don’t worry, I’ll be wearing a mask while I’m doing it.

Given what the press is saying, I’d be crazy not to!

Phil is a freelance writer, Canadian Navy veteran, and classical liberal. He has lived and worked in both Canada and the United States and currently resides in Vancouver, British Columbia where he writes on politics, individual rights, free speech, and anything else that catches his fancy.

As you may have picked up from this article, he’s now trying his hand at humor. You can find some of what he finds funny here.

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