When people think of an effective father an image may be conjured of a man who is stoic, caring, boundary-setting, and protective of his family. What happens however when a father becomes a phantom, a mere shadow that roams the halls where his children avoid him at all costs?
Thanks for sharing your story, Russell. It is, unfortunately, all too common.
You don't state that your mother was also physically abusive - or abused herself -but her contributions (both through setting your siblings and you up for beatings, and by passively allowing them) border on conspiratorial. You also don't mention how or if your relationship with her survived, but she appears to be complicit as well.
We are all aware of the myriad stressors which accompany parenthood for both mothers and fathers. We are also aware of the effect of those stressors when they become overwhelming. None of that, however, excuses the crossing of that line. It is up to adults to self-reflect about who they are intrinsically, and whether their relationship is suitable, to determine if they are truly parent material BEFORE deciding to have children.
Of course we are also aware that this obvious step is rarely undertaken, as many people decide to procreate for all the wrong reasons.
Aside from the obvious trauma of being abused, it is overall a horrifying experience for children to try to navigate their development into adulthood without the rudder of stable parents and the foundation of knowing their unconditional love. I applaud your commitment to call attention to it while not permitting it to define you as an adult - it couldn't have been easy, yet you have apparently made a personal decision to not extend your victimhood and detract from the rest of your live over which you have control. I wish you success in breaking that chain as an example to your own kids, and by extension to theirs that follow. ZL
Thank you so much for the comments and yes I will break the chain. I wanted to bring awareness to an issue that is often met with shame and guilt, but we must speak out about it. It's the only way we can resolve this as a society.
Your comments about my mother hit home. My father never physically abused my mother but she had several mental health issues and at one point her children became her care givers whereas she was incredibly manipulative and abusive mentally and rarely physically towards us as well. She is gone now and I can hold no ill will over the dead. Another article worth writing but one requiring far more words.
Thanks for sharing your story, Russell. It is, unfortunately, all too common.
You don't state that your mother was also physically abusive - or abused herself -but her contributions (both through setting your siblings and you up for beatings, and by passively allowing them) border on conspiratorial. You also don't mention how or if your relationship with her survived, but she appears to be complicit as well.
We are all aware of the myriad stressors which accompany parenthood for both mothers and fathers. We are also aware of the effect of those stressors when they become overwhelming. None of that, however, excuses the crossing of that line. It is up to adults to self-reflect about who they are intrinsically, and whether their relationship is suitable, to determine if they are truly parent material BEFORE deciding to have children.
Of course we are also aware that this obvious step is rarely undertaken, as many people decide to procreate for all the wrong reasons.
Aside from the obvious trauma of being abused, it is overall a horrifying experience for children to try to navigate their development into adulthood without the rudder of stable parents and the foundation of knowing their unconditional love. I applaud your commitment to call attention to it while not permitting it to define you as an adult - it couldn't have been easy, yet you have apparently made a personal decision to not extend your victimhood and detract from the rest of your live over which you have control. I wish you success in breaking that chain as an example to your own kids, and by extension to theirs that follow. ZL
Thank you so much for the comments and yes I will break the chain. I wanted to bring awareness to an issue that is often met with shame and guilt, but we must speak out about it. It's the only way we can resolve this as a society.
Your comments about my mother hit home. My father never physically abused my mother but she had several mental health issues and at one point her children became her care givers whereas she was incredibly manipulative and abusive mentally and rarely physically towards us as well. She is gone now and I can hold no ill will over the dead. Another article worth writing but one requiring far more words.
Be well.