Understanding Love Through Abuse

Over the past few years, I’ve learned a lot about human behavior and recognize things now that I didn't before. Covert abuse never starts in extreme ways or it would be easily avoided.It is a slow process like a leaky pipe. A slow steady drip of damage creating undetected chaos behind the walls until it’s so far gone the ugliness begins to show on the outside.

As the abuser descends further down their path of darkness their influence on their victim converts the victim’s perspective, principles, and sense of morality to align with the abusers. The slow drip of degrading acts and forced compliance eventually becomes accepted atrocities.

My life experience has blessed me with a greater understanding of what honest true love should be and by contrast what it is not. True love in any sense is to view people as part of yourself. Even more importantly, part of God. Made by Him who created the Heavens and Earth. Uniquely special, dignified, and cherished. We are as different as snowflakes, fingerprints, leaves, or the shell of a snail. Each of us, even perfect strangers, should be treated with the utmost respect, especially someone we decide to marry and claim to love.

A man, a real man, would never ask or allow the public exploitation of his wife or any woman. A man, a real man, is meant to protect his wife. He is to love her as Christ loves the church. The stunt at the recent awards show hit me hard–yes, it triggered me. I didn’t set out to find the photos on X rather they found me as viral content does. First I noticed the blank and vapid stare in her eyes. Then the video… in the video, she’s pulling down on the bottom hem of the transparent dress to cover her already exposed body. I could feel her extreme discomfort as she attempted to cover herself or to “feel” as if she was clothed.

My initial thought was, ‘That was not her idea.’ I understand she did it and holds some responsibility. At the same time was it really her choice? She’s married to a superstar and if he indeed suggested the idea their power imbalance presents what’s known as a bounded choice. Meaning the outcome of compliance is safer than defiance. Once could also call it the lesser of two evils.

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When I first heard of this concept, it made a lot of sense to me as I’ve lived it for over half my life. During my marriage, I was required to do many unspeakable things. These acts were not my idea nor did I initiate them. You could use the term forced and in my opinion, it would fit, however, I understand accountability and personal responsibility. That is where the term bounded choice fits much better.

Yes, we all have choices.
Yes, we’re all responsible for our actions.
Yes, we can be conditioned to do things we don’t want to do.
Yes, our choices can be manipulated through fear.
Yes, it is possible to make decisions from a survival perspective instead of an honest decision based on safety and free will.

For years my husband created an environment where I didn’t feel safe to disagree with him even when he’d make a simple request. It was never an ask, it was always a tell. It was a command in the form of a question. Slowly these ‘requests’ became straight-up orders. Towards the end of our marriage, I started saying no to the extreme requests. When I would disagree with his plans he’d threaten to leave me stranded (wherever we were at 2-4 am) and I would have to find my own way home without money or anything. “Good luck with that,” he’d say.

Alcohol made this worse for me, but easier for him to get his way. When I would be less than compliant he would order drinks for me without my knowledge and then shame me for not drinking fast enough. This left me confused and weirdly defiant. I didn’t want to be “lame” or whatever other derogatory term he’d use to get me to drink more, so eventually I began to drink quickly earlier in the night to avoid enduring the rest of the evening. I was intentionally dissociating for survival both physically and mentally. The humiliation and feelings of disgust would live and die in the whiskey glass.

What made this worse was the complete and utter disdain he had for me the next day. The verbal assault, name-calling, and overt lies about what transpired the night before would confuse and overwhelm me. I’d break down in uncontrollable tears until he told me how to behave next time to avoid these conversations and consequences. He said he was correcting my behavior, teaching me how to act right, and helping me understand how my actions affect him.

I know I’m being vague about the activities that transpired during our 22-year relationship. However, details are not nearly as important as the cycle of abuse that allowed the behavior to happen.

When I saw that couple at the awards show I instantly felt sorrow for both of them. It’s obvious to me that man does not genuinely love or care for the woman he was with and is exploiting her as an object or commodity like my ex-husband did me. I hope and pray both these men realize the damage they have done to the women they claim to have loved. I hope this very public act at the awards show brings light to what would otherwise be a hidden secret of covert abuse. I hope by writing about my experience I am able to help bring awareness to the kinds of abuse we don’t normally recognize.

Wrong Speak is a free-expression platform that allows varying viewpoints. All views expressed in this article are the author's own.