Love Does Not Subjugate
Seeing the attitude many Christians have toward women since I got on social media a few years ago has been one of the most disappointing experiences of my life. The brutishness of most who call themselves complementarians is disturbing but revealing. I worry this view of the Bible will alienate young women and hurt our witness.
A central point of complementarianism is how it defines biblical Headship. It's expressed in many shades but always makes men the last word in the family and gives women a supporting role. Its adherents often say husbands and wives need a tie-breaker, treating marriage like a children's game. This view distorts the partnership God created in Genesis 1 to rule over His creation.
Making wives subordinate to their husbands infantilizes them and stunts their ability to mature in Christ. Not to mention, interpreting the Bible to say the Lord wants women to be physically intimate with someone who has authority over them is warped and slanders God.
Christians are supposed to be citizens of the Kingdom of God, not ancient, pagan, patriarchal Greece. To read anything more than protection into the symmetry of what 1 Corinthians 11:3 says about Christ and husbands is idolatry. Husbands are not mini gods to their wives.
The defenses I read of complementarianism remind me of the things I heard racists say about slavery when I lived in the Deep South back in the 80s. Often, it is something like, "You just don't understand; if there is a loving master of the family, the wife will enjoy being subject to him."
Not surprisingly, now that misogyny has been securely ensconced in Christian culture in recent years, racism is beginning to raise its ugly head again in some circles. Once we accept a compromise of God's principles in one area, we open the door to more and more abuse.
The promotion of complementarianism seems to be especially prevalent on social media. I guess when your message is that God wants people in a loving union blessed by Him to have a dominant-submissive relationship, it's easier not to look people in the eye. I've noticed that many of the foot soldiers in the comments on social media who push this misogynistic view are middle-aged divorced men.
I remember back in the 80s and 90s, it was all the rage for guys to pursue aloof women. Loving and devoted girls were seen as clingy, so they were rejected. The colder a girl was, the more valuable they perceived her to be. So when a guy finally managed to marry one of these ice queens, surprise, she divorced him.
Today, these disgruntled men seem to be taking the pain of their poor life choices out on all of womankind, blaming feminism for their ills. They go all over social media, advocating for the subjugation of women. They poison the minds of the younger generations of men so they will end up lonely and bitter like them. It makes me wonder how much their influence has contributed to the plummeting numbers of family formation.
We shouldn't teach young people they have to be shoehorned into rigid gender roles to have a lasting family. We should encourage them to have relationships based on love and mutual respect. In fact, according to Christ, love should always be our foundation.
Jesus advised us how to understand His word in Matthew 22:37-40 "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like unto it; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." So, how we interpret the Bible seems to be a kind of Rorschach test for the heart. He reinforced this point by saying we will know good teachers by their fruit (Matthew 7:15-16). In Galatians 5:22-23 fruit is defined as "Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance." I don't see pride anywhere on the list.
The scholarship providing evidence for women's equality in the Bible is readily available, and many complementarians are very educated, so they're either ignoring the truth or they have chosen their self-interest. As Jesus said, the whole of the law rests on love. Therefore, a godly heart under the guidance of the Holy Spirit helps us understand the Bible.
God warned us in Genesis 3:16 that as a result of the fall, men would often be bullies. However, when we put our trust in Christ and the sacrifice He made for us on the cross, He gives us a new nature, a new heart. So, which nature are these complementarians serving?
Wrong Speak is a free-expression platform that allows varying viewpoints. All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
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I find it deeply odd and concerning when a post theoretically about what the Bible says on a subject rather makes a point of not actually quoting what the Bible says on that subject, resting its argument entirely on non-biblical sources not cited or linked here. That's a pretty big red flag to me.
So, what ARE some of the relevant verses on this topic?
Ephesians 5:22-33
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
1 Peter 3:1-7
3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
1 Corinthians 11:3
3 But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man,[a] and the head of Christ is God.
1 Corinthians 11:9
9 neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.
Colossians 3:18-19
18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
So, "wives submit yourselves to your husbands" is a command repeated by both Peter and Paul. Made even more clear in "as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." How does the Church submit to Christ? In loving obedience. Do we have a concrete example of this in the specific context of marriage? Yes. "They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord."
There's no logically consistent way to try to argue that "wives submit to your husband" doesn't include obeying your husband. This can't be interpreted to only mean following his spiritual leadership either, Ephesians 5:24 clearly says that she is to submit "in all things" and 1 Peter 3:1 applies this even to wives whose husbands aren't spiritual leaders or members of the faith at all.
Now, do husbands ALSO have responsibilities toward their wives? YES! Too many to list here, but loving her as himself, caring for her, protecting her, "giving himself up for her" (sacrificing) for her, not being harsh with her, are called out as requirements as to HOW he is to exercise his authority over her. He's called to live up to the model of how Jesus leads the Church, which is to say, among other things, taking her problems onto himself and being willing to live and die for her. There's no room in these commands for a husband to abuse his authority over his wife without it being a sin on his part. Likewise, Christ is still the head over both, the husband's authority is delegated, so if he tries to order something of her that contradicts God's commands than his order is invalid; obedience to God always comes first.
It's frankly rather peculiar how modern Western culture has stigmatized women's obedience in marriage, while elevating women in the workplace, in the military even, as if her accepting the authority of whatever manager an employer arbitrarily assigns over her is perfectly acceptable and praiseworthy, yet her accepting the authority of her husband, whom she herself chooses and confirms by sacrament before God, is somehow less acceptable and praiseworthy, less expected or required by the position.
It's particularly incomprehensive to me, given my military background. For those unfamiliar with military hierarchy, here's the simplified version: Commissioned Officers appointed to command have authority and responsibility over their units. Everyone else is required by law and oath to follow the lawful orders of the officers appointed over them. My background is as a non-commissioned officer (NCO). For those really unfamiliar with the military aside from seeing movies and tv, think of all the ranks with the word "Sergeant" in them. That guy saying "Yes, Sir!" to an order and then going to the rest of the enlisted Soldiers to tell them how they're going to accomplish the mission they've been given, that has been my career. I've spent a lot of time in the position of both taking orders from above and giving them to those below. At every level, that authority comes with responsibility: accomplishment of the mission and the welfare of the Soldiers.
Even in the Army, one of the most traditional and strictly hierarchal cultures anywhere in Western society, they teach servant leadership, they teach providing care and respect and dignity and trust and support and protection to the people whom you exercise authority over, as the necessary complement to the trust and respect and support and obedience that your subordinates provide in return. It's absurd that people would have no problem with a female junior soldier being required to follow my lawful orders under the authority given me by the military as her supervisor, but nonetheless have a problem with my wife being likewise required to follow my lawful orders under the authority given me by God himself as her husband.
Social media is where you are judging Christianity viewpoints from? Is this reality?