Tales From The Detransitioned

Now that I’ve become more public and so few therapists are speaking out on the transgender issue, people regularly look to me for advice on this topic. I have a lot of experience with teenagers and that’s where most of my clinical insights come from. However, I’m still learning about the complexity of gender identity. This trans issue is intricate and constantly changing as society continues to normalize it and push it in every institution. The cultural infiltration and conflict around it is like nothing we’ve seen before. I obviously don’t have all the answers, so I seek advice from the people who know best: detransitioners. They are people who identified as transgender for a large portion of their life and figured out that they no longer want to be transgender. 

I have befriended and been following a detransitioner on Instagram for about a year and a half and have watched  her evolution. She gave me permission to share her name. As of just a few weeks ago, she has returned to the name her mother gave her: Estella. 

Her profile is private, not because she feels she needs to hide, but because the backlash from her former trans community is so strong, her account was consistently getting reported. 

She stopped testosterone over a year ago due to health issues and was very disgruntled with Big Pharma, but up until recently, she still identified as a transman because she still feels dysphoric. Her dysphoria still hasn’t gone away. However, instead of avoiding the feelings, she is currently working through them. She disclosed how vulnerable she now feels appearing more female in public, but she is doing it anyway. This isn’t a switch that got turned off, but a recognition that she can not change who she is, despite feeling uncomfortable. 

On a recent post, Estella wrote: 

“Detransition began with medical necessity. The testosterone was causing so many issues that were painfully disruptive to my health physically and mentally. 

Detransition began before I even realized I was detransitioning.

It started with questioning Big Pharma and the trans status quo. It started with embracing my body fully without conditions.

Now detransition means I can embrace the name my mother gave me, I can embrace my place as a woman in this world…

My dysphoria isn’t cured and at times intense due to the massive changes in my life. The difference is the way I’m going about it to cope. I don’t need to eliminate any part of me to be happy…I know this now.” 

I asked her what helped her realize she needed to embrace her womanhood. She shared that seeing a close friend breastfeed and losing an important matriarch in her family helped her recognize the importance of women. 

I also asked her how I can help parents bring their children back who have gotten pulled into the “cult”. She had some great advice. Since so much about the trans identity is about throwing out the old self and becoming someone new and different, she suggested the parent look into the past for the last time the child was “normal” and start a conversation surrounding that time in the kids life to identify what needs weren’t met. 

Estella believes many trans-identified youths didn’t get their emotional needs met at a pivotal time. If the adults are away or distracted, the kids turn to inappropriate books and the internet without the adults present to correct course. 

“I think a lot of trans issues has to do with the mother or father figure or both who have in some way missed the opportunity to fulfill a foundational need for the developing child. Whether it’s letting the state take over with sex ed, letting culture take over with socialization, or letting LGBT propaganda take over sense of community.”—Estella

Often times kids don’t feel seen and they are noticed, validated, and showered with superficial love once they identify as trans. Helena Kerschner speaks about this in the documentary Detransition Diaries: Saving Our Sisters by CBC Network. Suddenly all the adults were there for her once she became trans, but really what she needed was for them to see her, not her transgender identity. 

Estella said this is going to be hard for parents to hear, but they need to be there both emotionally and physically for their children before the propaganda gets there first. 

There are so many factors why a family might be struggling and why children may become vulnerable. This is especially true after two years of lockdowns as families lost income, grieved deep losses, suffered divorce, missed important life events, needed to relocate, and were isolated. Many needs were not met and families are still trying to pick up the pieces.

If your child has been taken by the trans community, I recommend you reach out to parent support groups. You can fund support via Our Duty and Parents of ROGD Kids.

To find a non-affirming appropriate therapist that will address the specific issues within your family rather than zero in on gender only, see my Parents' Guide to Mental Health. There are more resources on my website.

It’s really not easy being a parent in 2023. You love your children and will do anything to protect them. You are also human.