Take A Deep Breath, And Go For It
I’ve never had much in the way of game when it came to women. Not that I’m especially bad-looking, frail, or wimpy about other things. It’s just that when I’d see a girl I liked, the language part of my brain would tend to shut down. I couldn’t dream of using a “pick-up line”.
I’ve had many female friends and never had any trouble talking to women, but the introductions almost always had to come from someplace organic - work, school, or through other friends. When I was single and past the age of a large social circle, dating became pretty daunting.
When I met Kate, I thought I had somehow gotten this shortcoming spontaneously licked. I was 40 and divorced, with 12- and 21-year-old sons who did not live with me, and was having some work done at a tattoo shop in New York. I was instantly drawn to this gorgeous girl who worked there, with a cool but kooky fashion sense and tattoos herself. It was out of character for me, but I was smitten.
She had such a laid-back way of carrying herself, totally at ease in her surroundings, bouncing from task to task and juggling her responsibilities and the people in the shop with warmth and an easy smile.
When I was leaving, she was on a break in the vestibule checking a text message, and I stopped to do something I didn’t know I was capable of. I knew I’d hate myself if I just let it go, so I got the attention - of this complete stranger - and I asked her out. Her response was not unexpected, but also not what I wanted to hear.
“I kind of have a boyfriend.”
Normally, that would have been it. I’d have said “that’s cool, sorry” and gone on my way. But with her, I thought with a clarity usually reserved for after I screwed an opportunity up when I’d tell myself later “When you had the chance, you should’ve said this”. This time, even though I know it’s a dick move to hit on someone else’s girlfriend, I saw an opening.
“Kind of? That doesn’t exactly sound like true love.” I thought I was clever.
“I’m 21 years old, what would I know about true love?”
Big gulp. 21? I knew she was younger than me, but not that young. Working in that adult environment, and so comfortable in her surroundings, it just didn’t occur to me.
Once again, normally, that would have been it. I’d have thought “No way she would be into you, old man” and gone on my way. But with her, I found a confidence usually reserved for advice to friends about their pursuits. I tried to turn lemons into lemonade.
“Tell you what. Come out with me once - dinner, drinks, a movie, whatever you want - and let’s get to know each other, no strings attached, I promise. The next day, if you don’t like me better than him, you won’t hear from me again. Nothing to lose. But if you do like me better, then we’ll see where this goes.”
I don’t know where the words came from, certainly not anything I’d have considered saying before. But I was proud of myself for finding them, regardless of how they were received, like I’d really climbed over a barrier for this girl. And I felt even better when she said yes, that she would go out with me.
We dated casually for about a year while she got her big-girl sea legs under her, and then seriously for a year after that. Kate was the most insightful, artistic, introspective, funny, and beautiful soul I have ever known.
As I got to know her better, I realized I hadn’t actually “somehow gotten this shortcoming spontaneously licked” when we met. It was all her. She has a natural approachability which I couldn’t hope to understand, let alone replicate. Strangers are drawn to her, and she has a way of putting them instantly at ease. I’ve witnessed it more times than I can count. (It’s funny when it happens with someone she’d rather not have approach her, but you gotta take the good with the bad, I guess.)
We eloped in Las Vegas, and have been married for almost 15 years now. I’m proud of having the strongest and most intimate marriage of anyone I’ve known, and that it’s even stronger and more intimate after all these years.
For me, wherever she is, that’s home. I still can’t wait to see her at the end of the day, whether we have a lot to talk about or are just lounging quietly together watching a show. Whatever happens in our lives, we approach it as a team and always have each other’s backs. It is effortless because we are one.
The single most significant and positive thing I’ve ever consciously done was the result of pushing down my inhibitions and taking a chance on something I didn’t think was possible at the time. For that, and everything that came after, I have my wife to thank.
My Kate.
Wrong Speak is a free-expression platform that allows varying viewpoints. All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
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