My Journey To Whole Personhood
What does a new year mean to you? For me, I choose to look at the past year with gratitude and the new year with wonder. During 2024 I was blessed to progress and develop into a whole person.
Over the course of my 21-year marriage my self-esteem, worth, and agency were chipped away little by little until there was nothing left to chip. I remember the exact day, time, and cause of my complete obliteration. It was late at night, mid-week when I refused a request from my husband. I was not okay to say no to him and in times when I did, it was quickly and carefully reconfigured into a yes to avoid an outburst of rage. Each time this happened a piece of me went with it. I traded bits of my soul for fleeting peace, but this night I had no bits left to trade. The ‘no’ was no–I was an empty vessel.
How could one be married so long with no bond of genuine, honest, ride-or-die love? The answer in my case is control. Control to the extent that he ran every aspect of my life. If this weren’t a marriage some might call it a cult-like environment. I understand this may sound extreme, far-fetched, or an overly exaggerated truth because from the outside our marriage appeared to be a healthy and happy one. This image was a constructed facade that I had unknowingly held up.
My purpose in the marriage was to maintain my husband’s happiness. Literally “Keep” him in a state of ease and euphoria. If I asked him to do anything considered “my responsibility” his response would be, “That’s what I have a wife for.” If I asked him to take the kids somewhere he’d reply “I’m working. You like to eat don’t you?” When spending time on myself, going to the gym, he’d ask “Am I gonna have a wife today?” or “I guess the kids don’t get a mom today?” Each of these responses was crafted to inflict guilt and it worked. After a while, I gave up asking for help or to have time for myself. Being yelled at, belittled, and labeled selfish was a guaranteed consequence and simply giving up was much easier. Chip. Chip. Chip.
The chips were not really about my desires and needs, but rather small bits of both my freedom and independence. It started simple at first, like picking things to watch together. I was not allowed to choose or even suggest what we watched after one time early in our relationship he allowed me to pick something, but it turned out he did not enjoy it. The outcome of a minor and benign event became 20 years of belittling and constant references to what horrible taste in movies I have. It was a moment that I would never live down. He used situations like this to deplete my self-esteem and destroy my self worth creating opportunities to remove slivers of my independence.
The result of this singular moment 20+ years ago left me with high anxiety and no desire to pick new shows or movies. Channel surfing still makes me nauseous and dizzy–even when alone. The expected punishment of choosing a “bad” show overrides any desire I had to watch something for my own enjoyment. This is one of many examples.
I was at fault for everything big or small. My choices were always questioned and found inadequate or wrong. By the end of my marriage I had given up family, friends, and anything he determined “took too much of my time.”
Through our forced separation in 2023-24, I learned many new skills and experienced things I was not allowed to even think about during the marriage. Simple things like hanging pictures, using Google Maps, or even reading a book were now open for me to discover and learn about.
When I share my situation with both counselors and friends the common responses are “It sounds like you just got out of prison”, “Were you living under a rock”, “How do you not know xyz?” At first, these responses struck me as odd, but the more I researched and learned about coercive control and cult behavior, the more it all made sense. I caught myself thinking “How do they know?”
The reason “they” knew about my situation is because it’s not unique. It is however a hidden terror that many are living in without knowing it. If you’re reading this and getting the “how does she know” vibes, I urge you to look into coercive control and covert narcissistic abuse to help yourself, a friend, or family member. Isolation is a key component of all abusive relationships. You are not alone.
Becoming a whole person meant following the trail of broken chipped pieces of my life and personality by rediscovering music and books I was forced to let go of was huge for me. However, the most important aspect of becoming a whole person was having the space to learn and understand the Gospel–to know God personally. Submitting to Christ vs entities of this world and letting Him guide and not control me allowed me to regain the pieces of myself to become a more authentic and genuine person. A whole person who’s looking at 2025 with peaceful wonderment of new possibilities and opportunities to come.
Wrong Speak is a free-expression platform that allows varying viewpoints. All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
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Congratulations on rediscovering your independence. It's never too late to breathe the free air.
Glad you got out of that horrible situation.