Let’s Make a Deal
How Trump Is Trolling Canada
January 23, 2025 - "Canada, we have a tremendous deficit with Canada. We’re not gonna have that anymore. As you probably know, I say, 'You can always become a state, and if you’re a state, we won’t have a deficit. We won’t have to tariff you, et cetera, et cetera.' "
January 24, 2025 - "I would love to see Canada be the 51st state. The Canadian citizens … would get a very big tax cut, wouldn’t have to worry about the military … you’d have better health coverage."
February 9, 2025 - "Canada would be much better off as the 51st state because we lose $200 billion a year with Canada. Why are we paying $200 billion a year, essentially a subsidy to Canada?"
February 13, 2025 - "Canada has been very bad to us on trade, but now Canada is gonna have to start paying up ... they think we’re gonna protect them, with our military, which is unfair. Canada is gonna be a very serious contender to be our 51st state."
February 24, 2025 - "The tariffs are going forward on time, on schedule. Canada has ripped off the United States for many years with a tremendous trade deficit."
These statements were not made from under a bridge, but they probably should have been because that’s where trolls live.
We get it, Canada has “ripped off” the US for years. Probably going all the way back to September 30, 2018, when the trilateral USMCA, the replacement to NAFTA, was announced by in a Rose Garden speech in which you said, “It’s not NAFTA redone; it’s a totally new deal.”
Ok, so you’re unhappy with the deal you negotiated, the deal you called “a great deal for the U.S., Canada, and Mexico!" Fine, we all make decisions we regret. Most of us own up to our mistakes but let’s ignore that for the moment and talk about what you want to do.
You’ve threatened us with tariffs – Well, they don’t call you “Tariff Man” for nothing. Yes, I know they don’t call you that, it’s what you call yourself. I’m just trying to make you happy.
You want us to secure the border, stop fentanyl trafficking, reduce the trade deficit, avoid retaliation, and possibly boost NATO spending? That’s a long list but most of it seems reasonable.
Except you keep moving the goal posts. On January 31, 2025, you told reporters there was “Nothing Canada, Mexico and China could do to stop tariffs at this stage.” Then on February 3, you changed your mind and paused them for 30 days. Then on February 24, you said the “tariffs are going forward on time, on schedule,” before delaying them once again on February 26th and reinstating them on February 27th – does anyone else’s head hurt?
It’s almost as if you think you’d do a better job running the country than Trudeau. Ok, I see your point. Fine, let’s talk 51st state (or 51st through 60th).
We’ve seen the stick. Now show us the carrot.
You know, like the old proverb says, Donnie “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
Never mind, let’s just look through everything you’ve said – it’s quite a lot – and see if we can find the carrot ourselves.
“You can always become a state, and if you’re a state, we won’t have a deficit. We won’t have to tariff you, et cetera, et cetera.”
Ok, so no tariffs. Obviously. You can’t really use them against part of your own country, can you? Although I suspect you’d love to use them against the blue states. Aside from that, your offer seems to be:
“The Canadian citizens … would get a very big tax cut, wouldn’t have to worry about the military … you’d have better health coverage."
Honestly, I feel like you’re trying to lowball us, Donnie. Still, we must start somewhere so let’s take a closer look:
Healthcare - I’ve lived under both the American and Canadian healthcare systems and it’s a wash. Both have strengths and weaknesses, but if I had a lot of mone,y I’d pick the American system – keep this in mind for later.
Military protection – As you know, we’re not even paying our own way now, so offering to foot the bill isn’t much of an offer
A big tax cut – ok, you’re finally offering something. The problem is, less than half of Canadians actually pay taxes. So, you’d convince the rich but not many others would care.
To sum up, this isn’t much of an offer, Donnie. As you dealmakers like to say, you’re going to have to sharpen your pencil.
Maybe it will be easier if I just tell you what we want…and it’s the deal of the century.
$41.76 trillion. USD.
Wait, hear me out.
What Canadians get
Look, I’m a proud Canadian, but I’d be willing to swallow my pride for a truckload of money. We can always just do what Texans do, call ourselves Americans and just think they’re better than everyone else. It is going to cost you though…and it won’t be cheap. But then you understand where I’m coming from, don’t you, Donnie? After all, I’m just taking a page from your playbook.
"The point is that you can’t be too greedy."
-- Donald Trump, The Art of the Deal
Credit Suisse Global Wealth Report (2023) estimated the total household wealth in Canada to be $14.2 trillion CAD. We’re going to need that converted at par. Again, I’m taking your advice:
"The worst thing you can possibly do in a deal is seem desperate to make it. That makes the other guy smell blood, and then you’re dead."
-- Donald Trump, The Art of the Deal
We aren’t desperate. In fact, the best case based on polls is that only 30% of Canadians might consider annexation. So, you’re going to have to sweeten the deal…and what’s sweeter than cash?
I think $500k for each Canadian citizen ought to do it. There are 41.1 million of us so that’s $20.6 trillion, US dollars of course. Sorry if I keep emphasizing US dollars, but you can hardly expect us to take Canadian dollars when those are going away.
All totaled that comes $34.8 trillion. What? I said $41.76 trillion, didn’t I? No, that’s not taxes, that’s the tip. Sorry, it’s 2025, a 20% tip is expected these days.
What the US gets
Quite a lot actually.
First off, there’s Canada’s annual GDP. It’s small compared to America’s but $2.19 trillion is still the 8th largest in the world. Think of your $41.76 billion investment as a bond that pays out $2.19 trillion per year. Forever.
Next, physical assets. We may not have a lot of people up here, but we do have a lot of natural resources. Estimates vary, but they’re worth somewhere in the range of $30 trillion to $75 trillion.
Not sold yet.? Here’s what would do to the natural resource rankings:
Everyone loves a winner, don’t they? What says “winner” more than “#1?” Look at all those “#1” entries. Yes, this is a big deal but then here’s what that same brilliant negotiator had to say about “big:”
"I like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big."
-- Donald Trump, The Art of the Deal
Think of what it would do to an atlas. “The biggest country in the world” has a nice ring to it doesn’t it, Donnie? Much better than: “We’re #3!” “We’re number #3!”
“From sea to shining sea” would become “from the Gulf of Mexico America to the Arctic Trump Ocean” – has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? What’s bigger than that?
I’ll tell you what’s bigger, Donnie, Trump Rushmore is bigger:
Give it some thought, Donnie. If you act fast, the US might even win the gold medal in hockey next year.
Wrong Speak is a free-expression platform that allows varying viewpoints. All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
 | A guest post by
|
Not sure if this is against your "anti ad-hominem, anti-inflammatory rhetoric, and anti-clickbait rage content" principles or not, but one might suggest that, so I've heard, Trump might have a point.
When our fearless leader, Justin Trudeau, thunders from the Prime Minister's Office pulpit that "trans women are women!!11!!", then one might suggest that further "2+2=5" premises are probably part and parcel of his administration. Not a strong recommendation to be the leader of a country, though it might be one for the governor of an American [Democrat] State ...