How I Beat My Toxic Ambition
I am many things in this life. I worked in criminal law for five years. I have a bachelor's in applied health science. I’m a writer and an “X influencer”, for lack of a better term, best known for my activism against the trans cult, even going so far as to expose my local school district in The Federalist, but I also comment on a variety of cultural issues. But brutal, raw honesty from me is the one thing that ties everything I write, and everything I do, together.
It’s a good thing to try and promote honest, healthy interactions because I don’t know if the problem was the lockdowns due to COVID but it seems to me after that all of society has been hit with a bit of crazy juice. So of course I wanted to help in any way that I could for all of us to get back to normal.
When my daughter was a mere three months old, I spent some time running around. I worked full time, then I would go out to meet with people in our town to work on the school situation, then come home, and she would be asleep. When I was home, I was constantly researching and writing. If only I worked hard enough, I would make this world safe for her, or at least her local town!
And after all, I was working hard for her. To protect her rights, to secure her future, so of course this was virtuous, right? She would know how hard her mom worked, and that she sacrificed this time away from her because she had to. She would know that I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms 24/7, but I was working hard for her to make her life better.
My husband said to me that this was unsustainable (duh), and that I had to learn the word “No.” That yes, securing a future for my child was important, but my child needed me now. And I did slow down considerably. I dropped the local activism and I was primarily focused on enjoying those precious moments after work before her bedtime.
But this experience made me reevaluate why or how I seemingly say yes to everything, and tried to do everything for everyone. What I’ve come to realize is my “ambition” actually marks a deep wound. It was coming from a place of sadness, and insecurity. The reality is that I felt that myself, on my own, wasn’t good enough. I always had to be doing something, doing more.
In other words, my self-worth, and who I was is wrapped up in my accomplishments.
Fast forward to now, and I have spent six months at home with her, as now my new employment is being a stay at home mother. I wasn’t satisfied with the small amount of time after work or the weekend. I wanted to be with her, as much as possible, and I’m fortunate to have this opportunity, and am extremely grateful.
The reality is that I reached a pretty logical conclusion: if I want to protect my child from a crazy, screwed-up world that wants to eat her alive, the best thing I can do for her is to be there as much as humanly possible.
I still feel insecure at times. When people talk to me about being a stay at home mom, I still want to add to it. I want to tell them about how I’m a writer. I want to tell them about my accomplishments on social media.
Nowadays I feel insecure in particular about my cooking, and my parenting. I want to be the best mother, the best cook, the best at everything. But I still can’t forget to remind myself that I’m a human being. And despite my feelings of vulnerability, to allow myself to be human, to make mistakes, and to grow.
What I’ve realized is that I can spend my time trying to make the world a “safe place” for her through my activism, or I can spend my time raising her with the knowledge, skills, and intellect necessary to protect her from this crazy world. Of course, making her environment safe is important, (covenant eyes for example is a great way to protect children on the computer) but one day my child will break free and encounter the world unfiltered, and then what?
I think about it as putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others. If I want her to be a happy Catholic who loves Jesus and her faith, I have to love Jesus and my faith. If I want her to be a strong woman, who knows her boundaries and has a strong basis of objective morality, well then I have to demonstrate those things too. If I want a child who knows who she is as a unique human being, I have to know who I am and give her the room to learn and grow. To put it simply, if I want to have a child who knows how to love, unconditionally, I have to love her, unconditionally, and let her know that she is enough. And part of doing that is being there, as much as I possibly can.
Wrong Speak is a free-expression platform that allows varying viewpoints. All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
Audra: i am glad you have the opportunity to stay home with your daughter. I grew up wanting to be a high powered career woman but just worked very part time when my kids were young and i am so grateful for that time. Those are precious memories. I know not every woman can or wants to be a stay home Mom and that is fine. When my kids went to high school i started my career then and was able to climb the ladder of success and am now retired. No regrets.