Horses, Miracles And I: A Detransitioner's Journey To God

I recently had a meeting with an equine therapy ranch owner and her husband, and while there, we were discussing issues and the possibility of them working with veterans and getting them the help that we need as an introduction to each other. They are very open and honest people; I could tell that right away. A feeling came over me to tell them about myself, but I didn't follow through with it, mostly because I was nervous... But I knew I eventually would have to tell them.

So, we set it up for me to come back on Friday to spend time at the ranch, be around the horses, and be outside spending time with them in some truly beautiful country.

Friday came around... Brushing the horses, watching the owners work with the children in therapy, and spending time outside in the sun. Toward the end of our day, we started talking about churches and how I never felt at or near home in many of them, from feeling like they were a morgue or that they looked and felt more like a business. I still feel that way about many churches... I just never felt I fit into them.

Our conversation shifted away from the churches to the more personal type of stuff, and that's when I started telling them about my life, who, and what I was. What my thoughts were on it, and how it made me feel. I was truly tired of how I was feeling, the distress and depression, the confusion about who and what I was, and how I never understood what a man is or was. They asked if they could pray over me, the sinner’s prayer of salvation, and if I was ready for it. I was already in tears standing there in the pasture. When they started praying for me, I wanted to fall to my knees from the weakness that hit them. I felt an overwhelming power of absolute love surrounding me as I was crying my eyes out, and ended up finally sitting on the ground after we were finished praying.

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The most disgusting and dirty feeling came over me because I was wearing feminine clothing, that I had to get out of them, that if I didn't get out of them I was going to come unglued. He explained to me that I had a demon sitting on my shoulder telling me lies. Lies that I wasn't a man, that there is no way I understand what a man is, that I will never be a man. That I am unworthy of calling myself a man.

On the way home from the ranch, I had to stop at the store. My wife is like, “Ok? What are we stopping for?” My reply was that she will see when we get home. So, I ran into the store, bought some items, came back to the truck, and tossed the items in the backseat. She asked me what I bought, and I reiterated that she would find out when we got home. We got home, she’s sitting in her recliner, and I handed her what I had bought… A package of men’s underwear and a guy's t-shirt. She’s like, with a smile on her face, “Really?” I said, “Yup,” and ran off to the bedroom to change my clothes. Then I told her as I take my women’s wedding set off so I’m just wearing my men’s wedding band, took off my other set of earrings, put some more manlier set in, and explained to her that I absolutely have to get my haircut.

Monday, June 3^rd, 2024, I had a doctor’s appointment, and x-rays, she wanted frozen yogurt, and right after that, I got my hair cut. She asked me what I wanted for a haircut, and we started looking I found one of Chris Hemsworth that I really liked, and that’s how my hair was cut. Just like his, except I can’t grow a beard, never have in back in the day, and I can’t even if I wanted to today. So, I have a manly haircut.

So, I am a new man in Christ, born again by the Blood of the Lamb of God, a new child of God. God performed a miracle in me. He knew I was ready, knew that it was time for me, and I was ready, accepting and open to him coming in because I had been exhausted of feeling the way that I did, and nothing was working I did would end that torment… Only God could intervene, and He did. Many of the things I felt… The anxiety, social, and generalized, I no longer feel. I no longer feel dysphoric, distress and depression over how I look and feel about myself. 

However, one shocking thing is to look into the mirror and see someone I don’t recognize but to realize that it is me looking back at me in the mirror. It is a strange thing to see someone you didn’t know in the mirror. But God intervened at a time that I had been through a lot, both physically and mentally. The nastiness of people bullying me… But I have to say that they helped me reach that point where I was ready, exhausted of their fight with me, their narcissism, and pure hatred, that I had only one choice… Put it all in God’s hands. And that is what I did. I’m his child, a child of the living God, creator of all.

I am not that person anymore. I may reference who I was and use it to help people, to testify and to give testimony to help others, to use my experiences to help others so they don’t have to go through the things that I have.

Lastly, as I finish this out, I know what a man is because for the past 4 days, God has been showing me examples of the times that I was a man with many examples and telling me, “Patrick, you are a man. You have always been a man. You are a good man. I created you.” How can I deny God when He is perfect and right?

Wrong Speak is a free-expression platform that allows varying viewpoints. All views expressed in this article are the author's own.