Finding You, A Wicked Game

I have dreamt about you since I was just a little boy - your presence, your essence - even before I could understand what love truly was. I did not know when or how I would meet you, but everyone told me to be patient, and that you would arrive in good time; surely the universe already wrote our story. So, I waited, I searched, I wandered - through continents and cities - hoping that one day, I’d see you and simply know, but you remain just a whisper to the stars.

Oh, how I used to dream. The time you walked through that door, where my heart nearly skipped a beat, trapped in the web of excitement and fear, knowing I had to talk to you. Those late nights when we’d share our secrets, hidden from the world, peeling back the layers, until there was nothing left; vulnerability with you came easy. That day I’d look at you and realize I couldn’t live another day without you as my wife.

“To the ends of the Earth, would you follow me?
There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see
Well if you won't, I must say my goodbyes to thee”

All those times we walked our golden at sunset, your laughter filling the air as I twirled you under a sky painted in gold and crimson, lost in the joy of just being. Those stupid fights we would have when conversation slipped out of our grasp, but we’d always come back to that vow we made: To The End. I pictured the day we’d welcome our son and the bittersweet moment we’d send him off to face the world. I’ve felt the quiet ache of our final years, sitting together on a porch, saying nothing because words had become unnecessary. Both of us silently hoping we’d be the first to go because facing a morning without you is unbearable; we made it my dear.

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I never knew what you looked like, your beauty was just a bonus. I knew that I loved you for you. You balanced me when life wore me down, and I you. Somehow, your softness dulled the rough edges life chiseled into me, and I was your rock. I never knew where we would live, but I knew we would travel to the ends of the earth. I never knew exactly what my career would be, but no matter, I would excel for us; together everything is possible.

“What a wicked game, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, it’ll never be this way”

The Hunt
I’ve carried you in my heart into my late 30s, my love. In New York, I searched tirelessly—through streets, bars, coffee shops, and museums—hoping for even a fleeting glimpse of you. You couldn’t have been one of the women in coffee shops lamenting how “Chad” hurt you yet again. You are wise enough not to be spending your time with a man who wouldn’t commit; Naomi wasn’t you. You’d remember the timeless truths your Nana taught you, reinforced by your father, how men should act. You would have never rewarded bad behavior in men; you respected yourself too much; I have waited so long for our life.

It was easy to rule out so many others. I walked past the women who dressed as though the world was their stage. You were never one to buy into the modern delusion that such displays were “for themselves.” After all, you were trying to find me too.

I embarked on the task of the average man; swiping yes a thousand times to get one shot at meeting you. Surely, I wasn’t filtered out based on height. Six feet tall or not, I’m still taller than you, babe. And you wouldn’t have let something as arbitrary as income blind to the life we would build together. Yes, we are both ordinary, but our life together would be nothing but extraordinary, until our last breath.

The Mirage
“Out there's a world that calls for me, girl
Headin' out into the unknown
Wayfarin' strangers and all kinds of danger
Please don't say I'm goin' alone”

Is it possible that you’ve already gone to the afterlife? Perhaps the dogma of our broken culture killed you off. Has a flawed ideology stolen you from me?

Babe, I fear we are running out of time; searching high and low to no avail. I need you to take that first step; we are to be a team after all. We live in a world that has made me overly cautious, careful to avoid misidentifying you; I’ll take care of the rest.

I’m tired, my love. It’s nearly time for me to start preparing for a life without you; time to say my goodbyes to thee. Goodbye to the simple life filled with the magic of the ordinary that becomes extraordinary together. Goodbye to the dream I have dreamt for so long; to the dream that has been in vain.

Wrong Speak is a free-expression platform that allows varying viewpoints. All views expressed in this article are the author's own.