Always Listen to Celebrities About Covid (Parody)

When I saw Olympian Michael Phelps talk about depression putting him at greater risk for Covid, I gasped. Depression makes you even more susceptible? This must be true because why would a Gold Medal athlete lie? 

Even though I am thoroughly vaccinated, boosted, then vaccinated and boosted again, I was concerned because I have other ailments besides depression like Michael P.

Yes, I am vaxxed to the maxx.  I received Johnson & Johnson because that was what was available, and I wanted to be first in line to get vaccinated since Anthony Fauci promised a shot would keep me from getting or spreading Covid. By the way, not to cause alarm, but I was warned that Covid is almost exactly like the Bubonic Plague of 1347.

After J&J, my heart swelled with gratitude for The Science, but I felt like I missed out on the latest technology, mRNA, which has been tested for years on a pack of ferrets and a handful of mice. 

Knowing the vaccine was safe and effective per literally everyone on CNN, I ran to my nearest vaccination station and got injected as many times as legally possible. I call myself Dr. Pfaushay because I love Pfizer so much! In fact, the vaccinator knows me by name.

I got a couple of back alley injections of what was promised to be black-market Astra Zeneca (could have been Novavax), don’t tell anyone. It’s imperative that I am full of mRNA so that I can be healthy for my kids. At this point, I’m aiming for bionic and eternal.

Back to Michael Phelps, when he mentioned depression, I began to wonder, do other issues increase the risk of Covid? 

From my extensive research, I’ve discovered that you could be at risk for The Virus if you suffer from any of the following:

• Bunions

• Acne

• Dandruff 

• Spoon Nails

• Insomnia

• Cold Sores 

• Dry Skin 

• Hemorrhoids

Knowing, this, I made a vow to stop in at every vaccine clinic I could find in Los Angeles and fill myself with flu shots, shingles vaccines, Covid vaccines, and then a pit stop at the vet clinic for rabies and bordetella just to be on the safe side. 

And why wouldn’t I get as many shots as humanly possible? Just listen to what these celebrities, who obviously have greater medical insight than we commoners, have said: 

Gene Simmons, well-known for dabbling in medicine, said, “If you're willing to walk among us unvaccinated, you are an enemy.”

Jennifer Aniston studies vaccines in her spare time, and offers this insight, “I've just lost a few people in my weekly routine who have refused or did not disclose [whether or not they had been vaccinated], and it was unfortunate.”

In closing, when you have doubts about vaccinations or medicine, turn to those who know best, athletes and entertainers.  

Now excuse me while I head to the drugstore for a little top-off.

*None of this is medical advice